Piece of Cake!

Ok, so, it really wasn't that easy but I am going to eat a piece of cake. :) I survived to tell the tale. It really wasn't that bad. I was really tense so it was uncomfortable from the get go. Of course, she couldn't get in. She sent the nurse to get something so I took a deep breathe and let it out. It must have worked because she got in. Of course, now, the nurse is missing, my doc yelled for her but she didn't hear. So, before I knew it, it was over. AND, that was it.

But, just to go back, as I waited for her to come into the room, I realized something. I was in the same room where this whole nightmare began. About a year ago, a much more naive me sat on this same table about to have an internal ultrasound to see why I had all this weird spotting. The removal of those polyps was suppose to fix it all. It's funny too because I was thinking I remember how afraid I was of an internal ultrasound. I still can't believe all that's happened in the past year. And, sitting on that same table a year late, it made me think that the past year has been a complete and total waste of my time.

Now, I'm not sure if I pray the beta 3 integrin is missing or there! If it's not, I will have to go onto depot lupron for two months BUT it'd definitely be a very possible reason why IVF has failed twice.

Also, I am going to be privatizing my blog again. I do have a few of you already in my list from before but if you want to continue reading, please email me at Kristi889@gmail.com so I can add you! I know there's a few people that don't post but still read, please let me know so I can add you. I'm just trying to avoid family members. Thank you!

I'm TERRIFIED!!

My biopsy is tomorrow. I am very afraid. My obgyn said it wouldn't be bad, I'll be fine. As she said that, the nurse had a look on her face like is she crazy?!? So, I'm going to go with the nurse on this one. Plus, I know a few people who have had it done and have warned me that it hurts!!! I can't wait for it to be OVER!!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Yes, it's my birthday, I'm 32. No special plans, just another day really...

Thanks to everyone for their bday wishes!

Totally Touched and Honored

I am so touched to be receiving the Pink Rose Award. When I popped onto Jill's blog today, I started reading and thought how nice to receive that. I couldn't believe it when she had awarded it to me. I'll admit, I got a bit teary. Jill is such a sweetheart and the fact that she had given it to me, thought of me, was so touching! I don't know if she knows, while I may not comment, I check her blog for updates on her pregnancy regularly. Thank you Jill!! You can check her blog out at my links to the left, Maybe Baby? Sorry, I'm not high tech yet, not sure how to link websites with the person's name. If anyone knows, please feel free to let me know! :)



I'm going to award this to 4 AWESOME LADIES!! I speak to all of them regularly and I have to admit, I have withdrawals if I don't talk to them.

I would like to give this award to the following amazing women:


1) Kristen (I Would Diet for that!) - Kristen was the first person that I really developed a solid friendship with on Trouble Trying to conceive. I believe the first person that I spoke to via phone. She is such a wonderful support to me. She's always doing little things that are so thoughtful and sweet. Before my FET, I got the funniest ecard wishing me Good Luck. When my dog, Angel, died, she sent me the sweetest ecard. Of course, when my cycle failed, I got the nicest card in the mail. Meanwhile, she's also had a failed fresh, a failed FET and struggling through her own infertility but she always takes the time to think of me!

2) Jill (Desperately Seeking Spawn) - Jill and I met on TTTC. Her 1ST IVF was during my 2nd fresh. I have to admit, I was totally against chatting with new people. Who wants cycle buddies when doing IVF #2 when they are on IVF #1? It's a complete defense mechanism but it's only to protect yourself of the possibility of constant future reminders. We began really chatting once her cycle failed. I hate more than anything that it failed. But, I am so forever grateful for her friendship as she's a HUGE support. Her accent is so endearing, it'll put anyone at ease! :)
She's also venturing the CCRM route and it's great to have the support of someone going through the same journey there.

3) Emily (No Expectations but Baby) - Emily and I met on a private MSN board that I belong to. She had paged me as we were cycling at the same time. She was doing her first cycle when I was doing my 2nd, like Jill. Of course, I was hesitant but Emily is the sweetest girl, I couldn't resist chatting and getting to know her. We have such a similar situation too. When my cycle failed, I received the most touching card in the mail from her. Unfortunately, her cycles have failed as well. I hate that anyone should experience two failed cycles but it's so incredibly awesome to have support from someone who knows exactly how you feel.

4) Sam & Mikey (Trials and Tribulations of a Baby Boy) - Sam and I initially met on The Knot. We got married a week apart - her the week before me. When my initial reception site bailed, she was someone that stepped up to help me find a new place. We'd talked via the knot, the nest, email for quite sometime before we finally met. She helped me on TTC as she was seeing a RE. Long Story short, we still talk, practically daily, and she is the best supporter! She's had her own issues but is always asking me how I'm doing, what's going on and helping ME!! She has the cutest little boy, Mikey. I'm so thankful that they are a part of my life. They make it so much easier to get through the day. It's nothing like seeing a sweet photo of Mikey to put a smile on my face. :)



Here's how to pass it on:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

ICSI it is!

Ok, I feel dumb for worrying now. We spoke to the nurse last night. The sample came in at 15 million, 32% for motility, 1% for morphology. She said they like to see 20 million, 40% for motility and 5% for morphology. To be quite honest, the 15 million excited me! The past few samples have been under 1 million. I was starting to wonder if everything was disappearing. The morphology does make me nervous but really, it varies so much from sample to sample so I'm not going to stress over it. But, if anyone would like to throw me a ray of hope, GO FOR IT!

The antibodies test came back in normal ranges. Plus, my bloodwork for the ashkenazi jewish panel was normal. I said to her, so, no new discoveries?? She said, no, I'm sorry. I told her, don't apologize, I'm really just hoping that my local RE is a dumbass. She said they suggest ICSI which isn't anything we didn't already know. We've done ICSI the last two times. So, that's it!

She called in my birth control pill prescription as it did seem to be missing. Hopefully, I should start the pill with the next cycle. Of course, we still have the biopsy, TSH and cd 3 fsh to conquer. But, even if the biopsy comes back bad, which we are preparing for, I will go on depot lupron for two months after the retrieval assuming we have embryos sent for CGH testing.

Thanks for all the supportive comments yesterday. It was nice to be reminded to breathe, I think I forget sometimes. I really do appreciate hearing stories of hope and knowing that it can happen! And, really, would I try if I didn't think it would??? definitely not and neither would Dr. Schoolcraft, I need to have a little faith, it's just hard after what my last RE did....

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'll be dress shopping for my SIL's wedding for next Saturday. Thanks to my IVF weight, the dress I planned to wear is a bit to snug! yes, it's an excuse to get a new dress... HAHA

Bad Day

I have to admit, again, I'm having a few more bad days. There's just too much going on with my trip to Denver, father's day, my SIL's wedding, nevermind the zillion things I need to do for Schoolcraft. I had my updated annual this week, biopsy next week and cd 3 bloodwork. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. I don't have time to relax and breathe.

And, of course, yesterday, my nurse called Tom with some of his results. OF COURSE, he missed the call and we couldn't get back in touch with her. So, we wait AGAIN on more results. Honestly, I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. I'm sure everyone is thinking, she's so negative. Be positive, yeah, well, it's really quite hard at this point. After two laps, d&c to remove a polyp, bad sperm analysis after bad sperm analysis, two failed IVFs, a cancelled IVF due to OHSS with hospitalization, I just kinda expect the worse at this point. It's all so physically and emotionally exhausting.

I need a week in the caribbean. But, of course, no money for that and no time either as for the past two years, all my vacation time has gone to IVF cycling, surgeries, etc... I am asking, ok, begging the universe, please, please, please, GIVE ME A BREAK! I know things cycle, a period of bad, period of good, um, where's my period of good??? I need some, please....

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Obgyn...

Ok, so, she's no longer an OB. But, I wish she was so I'm just going to call her that. Living in denial... I had my appointment with her yesterday afternoon. I hadn't seen her since last April before all the IVF madness. I completely forgot how nice and AWESOME she is! She got an update on everything that's been going on, asking questions, stuff like that but it wasn't anything that I hadn't already discussed with Doc S or considered. She seemed quite puzzled and didn't understand it. I said, well, it's hubby's sperm. She said, and you saw the urologist, right? I told her, there's nothing they can do for him. She was really nice about it, just trying to be helpful. She asked if there was a brother and I told her that wasn't an option for us. Then, she asked about donor sperm. I told her, we'll cross that bridge but right now we want to exhaust this option.

She's got me scheduled for the biopsy that I need done, she'll be doing it next Thursday. I asked her how much pain I should expect, she was like it's nothing, after what you've been through the past year, you'll be fine. That's when I got a funky look from the nurse. I'm going to go with the nurse on this one!! Oh well, it needs to be done.

I had talked to her about the fact that she's no longer delivering. She said all the other doctors in her office were delivering but once I get pregnant to see the midwives in her other office. She said, this way you'll get the TLC I need and if they need a doctor, she'll come in if she's in town. I thought that was really nice but I don't expect her to do that. Either way, one thing at a time. Let's hope I need to worry about that one.

She did an exam, everything was fine, and sent me on my way. I really don't know why I was so nervous, she really is so nice. I think that's why she's the only Obgyn that I've ever seen not counting the REs. I also emailed my CCRM nurse in hopes to get some sort of idea if I can atleast start bcp next cycle!

Peak on CD 15???

I can't believe it, yesterday, I got a high on my CBEFM. This morning, right on schedule, cd 15, a PEAK! I'm wondering, is my body finally pissed off enough that it's willing to cooperate?? Today couldn't have been more perfect. I have my annual this afternoon w my obgyn. I need it before starting a cycle with Dr. S in Denver. AND, I also need to discuss the biopsy with her and sure enough, I can tell her exactly the days it needs to be done. How's that for perfect??

I'm not sure why but I am very nervous to see my obgyn. It's been over a year now. I am hoping she's willing and able to do this test for me. I'm not quite sure why I'm so nervous, I need some words of ease...

One Day Workup at CCRM in Denver

Before I get started, as you can see, I posted a picture of CCRM. It's quite an impressive facility, just opened in January and is 40,000 square feet. They have other facilities but this is the main one where ERs and ETs are done. The area is very nice, near a hospital. The area is growing and has a GORGEOUS view of the mountains.

On Monday, we had our one day workup at CCRM in Denver. I must admit, I was VERY nervous. So, we had to be there at 7:45am and had a whole schedule of events to occur that day. Of course, our first meeting of the day was with Dr. Schoolcraft. There really wasn't much to say being we had spoken via telephone already. I did ask him a few questions just for reassurance as he asked some questions as well. The two things that he said that stood out the most were that he did think he could make this work and that he wished all his cases were like mine. I know, most people would be thrilled and it does make me happy BUT, my former RE also told me that he'd get me my baby several times. I realize that Dr. S is more competent but regardless, I'll believe it when I'm holding my baby. So, after Dr. S, hubby had to do his thing for the antibody testing, poor guy. Off he went, while I waited in fear as to what was going on, if everything was okay and he was gone for about 30 minutes. So, I had too much time to stress! After that, we were off to the financial department. We were told all the fees and signed the financial agreement, of course, we left a deposit. Next, we went over all the consents, what to do if my hubby dies, I die, we divorce, and what we want done with embryos that we don't use. It went fairly quickly, we've done that before. Then, we met with the nurse. She was nice, friendly, went over their procedures, what to do, who to call, stuff like that, basically CCRM's protocols. We went over all the tests I need to have when I get home since they have to be done later in the cycle. I need to get a biopsy 9-11 days past ovulation and cd 3 bloodwork. Then, we decided on what bloodwork would be done and off we went to get stuck! So, after that, I was relieved, atleast one of my "procedures" were done. Of course, the two worst were still lingering and I was so dreading them.

We had two hours for lunch since things didn't take as long as expected. I think they need an express session for those who have done IVF before. We grabbed subs at subway and headed to Target. I think we visited Target atleast once a day while there. After lunch, we met with the nurse again to go over meds. I had taken every medication except one. So, it was short. She did show us how to use the follistim pen since we've mixed with menopur in the past. After that, the dreaded procedures began. First, the ultrasound, not a biggie, of course, but not fun either. I had about 22 resting follies and the blood flow in the uterus was normal. She did see a fibroid but she didn't think it was in the way. Great, something else I have...

Of course, we're still ahead of schedule and the most dreaded thing was left and with Dr. Schoolcraft. So, I have to wait until he's available. Finally, they called me back and the nurse said T should wait and would be called for the regroup. I was kinda annoyed, I wanted him there while having the hysteroscopy. I didn't understand either because I didn't know about the regroup. The hysteroscopy wasn't bad. He said I got an A+ and everything looked fine. And, that was it! So, really, no new discoveries and there wasn't a regroup.

So, now, I have to get my annual updated with my obgyn which is scheduled for Monday. I am going to discuss the biopsy with her as well. I know she can do it but I don 't know if she can with only 10 days notice so I'll need to discuss that with her. Then, once my period arrives, I'll get the cd3 bloodwork. The blood needs to be shipped to CCRM so they gave me a kit for that. So, over the next few weeks, I'll start to get some answers on the other tests we did there. Of course, I have these few to do locally as well. Once all that is done, I'll get a protocol and a calendar. I am so hoping to start bcp next cycle but we'll see!

The day was very long as I said before. I left with the worst migraine, now cramping after the hysteroscopy and bleeding. I was cranky to say the least. After some rest, we headed to dinner and Grand Lux Cafe and got a BIG piece of chocolate cake to go. We went back to the hotel, packed, ate that cake!! :) I'll probably post a blog about the weekend in general in a few days. I have some other pictures to post for that too.

Keep those good vibes coming, we seem to be having some good luck...

THIS JUST IN!!! BREAKING NEWS!

ok, so, the long awaited test results that my hubby did for my local RE are in. Yes, that's right! He sent two samples to Washington, DC to see if the necessary chromosomes were even there to make a baby. You know the ones, the ones that everyone has asked about weekly. The ones that were suppose to take several weeks to get in but took two months! The ones that my RE said if were even 50% abnormal, he'd tell me to go donor sperm.

um, ok, enough supense and buildup, the nurse told my hubby, they are normal, all normal. HOORAY! isn't that great?? did you all hear that big sigh of relief? yeah, and a few tears of joy as well.

And, I promise, give me a few days and I'll have an update on my workup at CCRM.

UPDATE - I have to share this because everyone has asked what took so long! I finally have answer to that. When we got home, the fax was waiting for us. I was expecting a formal report but it was only an email from the doctor in Washington DC. AND, it was dated 3 weeks ago, so, there you have it, my doctor sat on it for 3 weeks... nice, huh? oh, I should say my OLD doctor. He officially put the last nail in his coffin.

MAMASOON***** - how do I get to your blog??

Today was a LONG day!

Today was an extremely long day. Once everything was done, I had a migraine. After a few aleve and a good meal, I do feel better but I am just exhausted. We have to be up at 5am to get to the airport so I need to finish packing and get to bed. I know everyone is wanting an update which I promise to post. But, long story short, there really isn't much to say. He didn't find anything I didn't know about except a fibroid that isn't in the way. We still need to wait on a few of the test results so maybe we'll learn something from those. Plus, I have a few tests that need to be completed in a few weeks once I return home. Thanks for all your thoughs, prayers and good vibes, keep them coming my way!! :)

We are in Denver, Safe, Sound,

on time and with our luggage! That was definitely a smooth trip as far as a 10 hour day trip can be. We checked into the hotel and we are getting ready to get something to eat and relax for the night. While it's now 3:30PM, my body thinks it's 5:30PM and is getting hungry! :)

Thanks everyone for the comments, so nice logging on to such nice supportive comments! I have to admit, today was a bit overwhelming, just having to comprehend the need to travel to another state to see a doctor in order to have a baby. But, unfortunately, our circumstances are a bit too complicated for the local doctors. Let's hope he has some good news for us in the next few coming months.

3 more days!! Woo hoo!

Finally! June 9th is right around the corner. I can't wait!!! We are leaving for Denver tomorrow!!! :) I pray that our travels aren't a complete disaster, no missed connections or serious delays. We seem to have that kind of luck. We are scheduled to arrive in Denver late afternoon. I'm looking forward to just relaxing, settling in and trying to adjust to the new time since Denver is 2 hours behind Florida. On Sunday, we are heading to lunch with friends and then to a Rockies Game! Fun stuff...

On Monday, we have a long day, starts at 7:30 and scheduled to end at 3PM but I've been told since we've done IVF, it'll go much quicker. I'm a bit nervous about Monday. What will he find? something new? And, if any of these tests/procedures are going to hurt? I'm sure I'll be fine, I've survived much worse. But, I'll just be glad to have it over and done with. I just want to get the show on the road. It's time for some answers and a NEW plan. Of course, most importantly, a NEW DOCTOR! Being, it's been 3 months since we've last talked to our old RE and almost two months since my hubby's chromosome testing on his sperm. And really? where are those results? I was told several weeks. It's been two months. We've called to follow up and we're told don't call us, we'll call you. Good thing we didn't wait and rely on that bc it's obviously not going to happen. I'm quite disappointed in that whole thing but whatever, moving on, again. So, I hope this new RE can get things going!

I really can't thank everyone enough for all these comments the past week or so. I have read some of the nicest comments. I can't tell you how awesome it is to receive support from people I don't know and, of course, from those I do know that are commenting. It helps more than you will ever know. The past week has been difficult and frustrating. I've been feeling quite a bit of aggravation, sadness and bitterness. It's so helpful to receive the support. I already feel so isolated as it is in daily life.

The hotel does have internet access, hopefully, I will be able to log on and update my blog. Otherwise, I'll be home Tuesday and try then if it's not too late. So, if you pray, say a few for me, if you don't, all good vibes are greatly appreciated! send them my way!