Dreams...

I had the most wonderful dream last night. It seemed so real. I was sitting on the floor, oddly enough, in my childhood bedroom. But, I was an adult and even more importantly, a mother. I was holding this little girl, trying to change her clothes and diaper. There were all these clothes on the floor as if I had been folding and sorting laundry. The baby girl was saying yucky yucky because her diaper was so dirty. While all this was going on, there was a baby boy in the background. It was a twin brother. He was sitting in something while I was taking care of the baby girl. I remember how much fun we were having and how enjoyable it was. While all this was going on, the little boy got out of what he was sitting in and started walking. I remember being excited and that's when I woke back up.

Warning, bitter infertile talk coming...

I've been doing so well the past few weeks. But, I must admit, the past few days have been a bit harder. I'm not quite sure what has triggered it. It could be so many things and maybe it's the impending trip to Denver weighing on my mind. I've been feeling bitter and frustrated. I really just don't understand it all, why it's taking so long to figure all this out, why two IVFs have failed, why this is costing so much, etc... I'm really sick of telling myself, I'll appreciate it that much more when it happens, everything happens for a reason, God had his plan, all those things I use to rationalize the situation. All in all, I'm just plain sick of it all. Please don't reply with why don't you adopt? have you considered not having kids? and especially, do NOT reply with it will happen!! I really hate that because you know what, it might NOT happen, some people can't have children ever.

Tomorrow, I am meeting with a few girls in my area who are also heading to CCRM in Denver. I hope that will help to talk to others dealing with my same situation...

Is it June 9th yet?!?!??

Seriously, has time stopped or something?? Whenever you are waiting for something, time slows, I am positive! June 9th seems like an eternity away. I know it's really not that long from now but I've been waiting enough already! It just seems like it's taking FOREVER to get here. And, all this waiting makes for VERY BORING blogging. Our plans are all set for Denver, flights, hotel, car, etc... And, we have plans to meet up with one of the nesties that I've been talking to for a long time. Atleast a year, I guess!

In other events, NaComLeavMo is much harder than I expected. Although, I am very excited that I'm getting more comments. I thought I would just go to the list, pick 5 and comment. It's soooo much easier said than done. There are some blogs that I don't know what to say or feel comfortable. On a positive note, I have come across some really helpful blogs. I found one girl who is having twins from CCRM! HOORAY! She knows a ton of other girls going to CCRM if I need to talk to more. I also met a girl who had 100% abnormal sperm and yes, she's pregnant!!

oh, and speaking of 100% abnormal sperm, we still have NO results from the test we were having done. For those just tuning in, my RE thinks that dh's sperm are lacking the appropriate chromosomes. So, he sent samples for some testing at a clinic in DC. Several weeks is what we were told, honestly, I lost track, it's been 6-7 weeks now.

Anyone wanna place bets when I'll hear from him???


Mamasoon - thank you for commeting on my blog! I have no way to link back to you, do you have a blog or email? would be nice to have someone who is also goign to CCRM to chat with...

There's NO turning back now...

Well, I guess I could but I'd lose my money! :P I just booked a flight to Denver for our one day work-up. We booked the hotel last night and we will do the car tonight since we have flight information. I'm wondering when this is all going to sink in. Really? I'm going to Denver to possibly do IVF? As if cycling locally wasn't stressful enough... But, we want and need answers that we aren't getting from the local doctor. So, we're off in a few weeks!

In a way, I'm actually quite excited as well! We've NEVER been to Denver and we probably never would have gone there. And, it really does sound beautiful. We'll arrive mid-day two days before so we'll have a day to really check the city out. I'm looking forward to that part.

If we are fortunate to conceive a child cycling in Denver, boy oh boy, we will have the most interesting story for our child(ren)! IVF is interesting enough, right? Well, we went to Denver to do it!

Also, BP3, thanks for your comment! I would love to hear more about CCRM if you don't mind sharing....

CCRM Consult Update

So, on Thursday night, we had our consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM in Denver. He's my new best friend! :)

He called and asked about where we live, he had never heard of the city we live in, it is kinda small. Anyways, he asked for the short version of the soap opera. I told him the basic story, polyps, lap, cancelled IVF, failed FET with what was too thick of a lining in my opinion (17.7mm 5 days before transfer), bad sperm samples, another lap, another failed IVF, and here we are waiting on test results that my Re requested to Dr. Kearns in Washington DC. Of course, Dr. S knew of the test explained it further. That test is over my head. But, he did tell me that the test means nothing!! hmmm, thanks! glad we didn't pay for it! He said as much as we would like definitive answers, you won't get one with that one. He said he would be SHOCKED if all of dh's sperm was abnormal being he produces as much sperm as he does and due to the fact that he had bloodwork done for chromosome issues and they all came back NEGATIVE!!! At this point, I love the man already. He said, even if some of the sperm came back abnormal, we could still have a biological child. My local RE told me if that happened we were done. YES, DONE! I even asked my RE if we could do PGD, NO was his response. At this point, I'm on the verge of happy tears.

Next, he said, well, I will tell you that, with these consults, I usually can tell people donor egg, donor sperm, BUT, I can't tell you that. It might be one or the other but I don't see it. I told him, yeah, well, my local guy is telling me DONOR SPERM. He said that he didn't feel that way. I told him if that's the case, ok, we'll cross that bridge. His response was, you are not there and I know it is an emotionally charged decision. OMG! A doctor that knows infertility is emotional? where has this man been for the past year of my life? When my local guy said donor sperm and I cried, his response was, this is why we don't like you in here days after a failed cycle, um, really? cause I didn't INSIST on this appt, it's what was given and the more we put this off, the more I get upset so let's figure this out.

He went on to further ask where we were with all of this. We told him things need to change, that's why we're talking. He felt that we could do a 3rd cycle and he would do one BUT he felt we'd fail again. He explained what he would like to do which might I say is what I thought would be the best option after my research. So, he said, we should cycle, take the embryos to day 5 in the lab and send them for CGH testing. Basically, very similar to PGD, but done on day 5 so the cells are taken from what would be the placenta, NOT the fetus. Cool, right? They would test ALL the chromosomes where PGD only tests 9 of them I think. He said it takes 4-6 weeks (although I know girls online that it's taking longer for). He said I was a great candidate for this being I am an egg making machine!!! But, I stopped him there, yes, I make eggs but not many embryos. He quickly discarded that and said, yea, well, let's see what your embabies do in my lab. If they don't make it there, then we know. So, he felt it could be lab conditions, etc... He said he bets we make atleast one or two normal embabies.

He also felt that we have implantation issues due to my endometriosis (stage 3). He said while we wait on CGH results, he will give me two months of lupron. He also asked about the thick lining I had on the FET, if this was normal. I told him, I'm not sure. He said, well, I have to tell you that I agree with you, 17.7mm is too thick, it decreased your likelihood of success. Can you see why he's my new best friend? I was right!!!!!!! I knew it, it has bothered me ever since. I asked my local guy about it on my WTF appt, his response, yeah, maybe. MAYBE is how he answers ALL questions. So , back to lupron, yeah, this is NOT thrilling, lupron has caused muscle and joint pain for me. When I explained, he understood and said yes, I know, I've heard about that. Let's see if you even need it after a biopsy. I told him NO NO NO, I will do the lupron but know what it does to me so you can help make it better. Of course, he listened, told me he could give me progesterone. FINALLY! a doctor who listens and helps me with what is going on... might he, um, care? doctors do care, right?

Basically, he asked if I had any questions, of which I didn't, he answered most of them and I knew about CGH testing and the two month lupron from my research. He said, I look forward to meeting you and your husband! yeah!!! He said, please tell your husband I said hello and that I have more hope for his sperm than your local guy does...

all good, right??? finally, HELP! I've spent many a nights, crying in our family room, asking God to help me, I'm not a doctor, aren't doctors suppose to ATLEAST try to make things better??? Well, the big day was May 15th! Now, the big day is June 9th, assuming my period cooperates. I will go to Denver or as I have heard others say, I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard...

DENVER, Here I come!!

I had my consult with Dr. S a few hours ago, I'm so excited and exhausted!!! I promise to have a written update soon but I have to go to bed now. But, long story short, he said he was really hopeful, he did think we have a great chance to have a biological baby at this point. We will head to Denver for his one day work up as soon as my next period leaves!!!

thank you!!

ANXIETY

That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm very anxious for my consult tomorrow and not sure why but afraid. Plus, I have a overdue dental appt this afternoon which I am absolutely dreading!!! I hate the dentist. Also, I never get good news from REs, NEVER. Each visit brings a little more bad news. Honestly, just give it to me ALL now! So, we can deal and move on. It's like continuing to beat a dead horse.

So, tomorrow night at 7:30PM, my DH and I will speak with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM! Hopefully, he will have something nice/positive to say. I have a feeling that he'll just say come on over and let's see what we have going on. I don't anticipate that he'll give me any insight but that it'll be a step in the direction of figuring out once and for all what is going on.

I feel EXTREMELY unprepared for this consult. The one question that I have which isn't even my idea is could the lab be the reason why all my embryos are not making it to freeze? or maybe my protocol? In addition, how could I freeze 4 perfect blasts and then have only 1 perfect after the thaw. If anyone has any other ideas for questions, I would really appreciate it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's making me brain dead. Thanks!!

Locking it up!

I am going to be temporarily locking my blog (personal reasons) to allow for only specific users. If you are a reader and want to continue reading, please leave me a comment with your email address and nestie name if you are a nestie! Or, you can page me on the nest!

Thank you for reading!!

TAG!! I'm it!

My friend Jill("Desperately Seeking Spawn") has tagged me for this entry.

4 Things I did 10 years ago: (1998) -sorry only 3 but they're long enough!
1. EDUCATION: In 1998, I was attending the University of Florida in Gainesville, GO GATORS. My dh and I are HUGE fans. I was finishing up my undergrad classes and took the GMAT for Grad school. I found out that I was accepted late in the year!
2. WORK: I spent the summer of 1998 working. I applied for a nanny position for a couple who had 2 kids, Ben and Kate. They were both doctors and worked alot. They treated me wonderfully! I remember that summer very fondly. I'd arrive at 7am, give them breakfast & take Kate to kindergarten. Then, Ben and I would take a walk and he'd nap. It was lunch time when he'd wake up & we'd go get Kate. We usually spent the afternoons with Kate at swimming or ballet/gymnastics lessons. Unfortunately, it was only a summer job and everyone knew that. Their night babysitter took over days and I would watch them on weekends.
3. RELATIONSHIPS: In '98, I lived with my roomie, Heather. She met someone & wanted to live with him. I missed living with Tom as well. Tom subleased his room but we weren't so lucky with our apt. We all agreed that he would move in with us until we sublet the apartment but she got mad. Tom had to go so we both just moved out and paid double rent. We moved into our first place, a cute little villa! It was our first time living together without roomies.

4 Things I did 5 Years Ago: (2003)- 5 here makes up for the only having 3 above!
1. LOVE: Tom & I were engaged in Sept '02, we decided that we wanted a Sept wedding but couldn't have it planned by 2003 so we opted for Sept '04. We spent sometime in '03 planning our wedding! awwwww...
2. CAREER: I was promoted to Experienced Senior at Ernst & Young. This would be the beginning of the end there, the hours got to be way too much. I left in 2004 shortly before Tom and I got married.
3. FAMILY: My nephew was born! William Luis made his appearance on Halloween! After I missed my niece's birth in October 2000 by 15 minutes, I promised that I would NOT miss his. Of course, my mom called said to get there ASAP. As I walked into the hospital my cell rang & my mom said, congrats auntie! missed it again!!!
4. TRAVEL: Tom and I took what would be the first & last vacation with another couple. We went on a cruise to the Caribbean. She was a coworker & good friend. The cruise was awkward & our friendship ended the day before we got married. A hurricane hit the day of our wedding, we were married that day earlier than planned before the storm hit and the reception was cancelled. My friend & I had a falling out because of the situation, it's a long story but it ended the friendship.
5. FRIENDSHIPS- I was a bridesmaid in my childhood best friend's wedding. She was like a sister to me, she lived across the street & we spent EVERY day together until I moved to Florida in 1989.

4 Things I did yesterday:
1. Had brunch at Cheesecake factory with Tom's family.
2. Had lunch at Panera with my mom!
3. Took a nap
4. Watched Extreme Homemakeover Edition and cried. That show gets me everytime!

4 Shows I love to watch:
1. Little People, Big World, they are an amazing family who have made such a wonderful life for themselves
2. The Hills, yes, I watch the Hills on MTV.
3. George Lopez on Nick at Nite, it's on everyday at 10PM, cracks me up, not sure how I missed it the first time it aired.
4. Jon & Kate Plus 8. Their kids, one word, CUTE! I hate how people judge them, they have 8 kids and are doing the best they can!!

4 Things I love to do:
1. Read. I used to hate reading. I don't get to do it as much as I would like but I love stories of inspiration. My favroite is The last lecture by Randy Pausch, it's a MUST read, IMHO. My 2nd favorite is Miracles Happen by Brooke & Jean Ellison, story of Brooke's amazing life, she was hit by a car is paralyzed from the neck down on a ventilator. I know them from childhood, I was friends with Brooke's older sister, Kysten. Her accident happened shortly after my family moved and I will NEVER forget receiving a letter from Kysten about it.
2. Spending time w my kitties, they are so lovey.
3. Talk to my family and friends. They are the best thing ever.
4. Traveling with my dh, who better to travel with but my best friend??

This was a lot of fun!! I really enjoyed thinking back 10 and 5 years, couldn't you tell by how much I wrote???

I tag (if you see this post and want to play): "I would diet for that" - Kristen, "Trial and Tribulations of a Newborn Baby" - Sam, AND "A Sibling for Jefferson" - Tobi

A little goes a LONG way....

So, as promised... As I said in earlier posts, some people have done somethings that have been so sweet. I really want to blog about it because it was just so nice. Please ignore that the pictures are HUGE, my technical skills are hmmmm, not so good. I'll have to work on that.

So, two people sent me cards after my 2nd fresh IVF cycle failed. The first was from someone I met online (the nest) that I'd been talking to for awhile. To be honest, I'm not sure how we started talking. I think it was a similarity in our diagnosis. Ironically, since then, we've discovered a ton more similarities. The second came from someone I met on a private MSN board but she is also on the nest. She was doing her first IVF cycle when I did my second. So, we were cycle buddies. Being that on my FET, first cycle with a transfer, it seemed like almost every cycle buddy got pregnant, I was VERY hesitant to start chatting with another. But, I did and just figured I wouldn't get buddy buddy with anyone else going forward. By the way, I have become close with one other person since then, it's hard not to!!

The first card on the cover says with sympathy, my good friend. On the inside, it says I wish I had the right words to say that would help you through this sad time. But these are the words in my heart, I'm sorry, I care, I'm here for you. There is also a personal message but I want to keep that private.




The second card on the cover says I wish I could make things happen for you the way you want them to. I know how much a child would mean to you. I'm still hoping and believing for you... and keeping you in my heart. Again, there's a personal message but I want to keep that private as well.


Who knew that they made cards like the second one? It actually says I know how much a child would mean. I don't know if these ladies know how much it meant to receive those cards. And, they definitely don't know that I keep them both on my nightstand tabel (there are two other things I keep on there as well) to remind me daily that not only are there others out there struggling like me but (both these ladies have atleast one failed fresh cycle) that there are good people out there who cared so much about me to make the effor to send me such thoughtful cards!!

WOW! Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog !!!

I have this fear about all that are reading/visiting my blog. I guess because I've seen people get comments left that were, well, not nice. I understand that infertility can be controversial, everyone is different and I understand that everyone makes their own choices. I'm just hoping that I won't get comments that will be frustrating or rude, this journey is frustrating enough as it is.

So, I'm going to take the next few blogs to write about some things that people have done for me that I'm super thankful for, they may or may not realize it but it meant so much. Let's face it, this whole waiting on test results thing is BORING! I can't write much about it, we're waiting, that bout sums it up and it bores me nevermind you. So, that's what is coming next... :) It'll help to kill some time until the consult, that'll be interesting to write/read about!!

Tough Times

Times are tough right now for everyone. Gas is outrageous, food is going up, people are loosing jobs, etc... My husband and I have been fortunate, we still have our jobs. And, I work in the homebuilding industry so I am very lucky!!! But, no bonus for me, no raise either so we've had to make some changes. But, we are not putting off our TTC efforts, that is the decision that we have made. Everyone is different but this is what we want to do.

And, unfortunately, we have hit a bump in the road on the journey, okay, maybe it's a hill, a mountain? We need to take our efforts up a notch. I'm not sure if we will cycle in Denver but it is a possiblity. If T's test results are bad, we will have to do some sort of PGD testing to test the embryo's genetic makeup. This will need to be done in Denver. My RE has already told me that he won't do it and if it needs to be done, I want to go to Denver. They do a kind of testing called CGH testing which tests all of the chromosomes while PGD tests 9 of the 23. Some people would not go this far and just move to adoption but again, this is the decision that we have made. Please respect that...

But, seriously, I do greatly appreciate it. I have gotten the best support from some amazing people! I say it all the time, I can't believe the amazing support I've received! I may start having to blog on that....

What a week!

I really don't have much to say infertility/IVF wise but I just feel the need to blog. This has been a horrible week. Work has been crazy and not like busy but annoying. Lately, there have been so many issues thanks to the wonderful housing market. I'm so glad it is Thursday but I feel like it should be Friday.

I'm exhausted and ready for the weekend. I plan to relax and do some stuff around the house. I have felt the need to do some spring cleaning for weeks now but I haven't had the time. I hope that my dh is in the mood to do some spring cleaning because I could certainly use some help. I'd just like to get rid of stuff that is going unused. I've listed a few things on craiglist and if that doesn't work, I guess we'll try Ebay! Otherwise, off to goodwill it goes!!!

Alright, well, like I said, there really isn't much to say. My consult isn't for two weeks and we still haven't gotten the results of the testing back yet. It'll be 3 weeks next week so maybe we'll give them a call or live in denial a little bit longer...

ok, five things I'm thankful for...
1-It's Thursday and the day is almost over!
2-My niece and nephew, they spent the weekend with us last weekend and we had tons of fun!
3-the gorgeous weather we're having right now in Florida, although, we could use some rain!
4-having a job - while it's driving me crazy, I still have one and it's a regular paycheck
5-one of my coworkers, she is great to get advice from, she's very wise!