Dreams...

I had the most wonderful dream last night. It seemed so real. I was sitting on the floor, oddly enough, in my childhood bedroom. But, I was an adult and even more importantly, a mother. I was holding this little girl, trying to change her clothes and diaper. There were all these clothes on the floor as if I had been folding and sorting laundry. The baby girl was saying yucky yucky because her diaper was so dirty. While all this was going on, there was a baby boy in the background. It was a twin brother. He was sitting in something while I was taking care of the baby girl. I remember how much fun we were having and how enjoyable it was. While all this was going on, the little boy got out of what he was sitting in and started walking. I remember being excited and that's when I woke back up.

Warning, bitter infertile talk coming...

I've been doing so well the past few weeks. But, I must admit, the past few days have been a bit harder. I'm not quite sure what has triggered it. It could be so many things and maybe it's the impending trip to Denver weighing on my mind. I've been feeling bitter and frustrated. I really just don't understand it all, why it's taking so long to figure all this out, why two IVFs have failed, why this is costing so much, etc... I'm really sick of telling myself, I'll appreciate it that much more when it happens, everything happens for a reason, God had his plan, all those things I use to rationalize the situation. All in all, I'm just plain sick of it all. Please don't reply with why don't you adopt? have you considered not having kids? and especially, do NOT reply with it will happen!! I really hate that because you know what, it might NOT happen, some people can't have children ever.

Tomorrow, I am meeting with a few girls in my area who are also heading to CCRM in Denver. I hope that will help to talk to others dealing with my same situation...