ANXIETY

That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm very anxious for my consult tomorrow and not sure why but afraid. Plus, I have a overdue dental appt this afternoon which I am absolutely dreading!!! I hate the dentist. Also, I never get good news from REs, NEVER. Each visit brings a little more bad news. Honestly, just give it to me ALL now! So, we can deal and move on. It's like continuing to beat a dead horse.

So, tomorrow night at 7:30PM, my DH and I will speak with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM! Hopefully, he will have something nice/positive to say. I have a feeling that he'll just say come on over and let's see what we have going on. I don't anticipate that he'll give me any insight but that it'll be a step in the direction of figuring out once and for all what is going on.

I feel EXTREMELY unprepared for this consult. The one question that I have which isn't even my idea is could the lab be the reason why all my embryos are not making it to freeze? or maybe my protocol? In addition, how could I freeze 4 perfect blasts and then have only 1 perfect after the thaw. If anyone has any other ideas for questions, I would really appreciate it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's making me brain dead. Thanks!!

Locking it up!

I am going to be temporarily locking my blog (personal reasons) to allow for only specific users. If you are a reader and want to continue reading, please leave me a comment with your email address and nestie name if you are a nestie! Or, you can page me on the nest!

Thank you for reading!!

TAG!! I'm it!

My friend Jill("Desperately Seeking Spawn") has tagged me for this entry.

4 Things I did 10 years ago: (1998) -sorry only 3 but they're long enough!
1. EDUCATION: In 1998, I was attending the University of Florida in Gainesville, GO GATORS. My dh and I are HUGE fans. I was finishing up my undergrad classes and took the GMAT for Grad school. I found out that I was accepted late in the year!
2. WORK: I spent the summer of 1998 working. I applied for a nanny position for a couple who had 2 kids, Ben and Kate. They were both doctors and worked alot. They treated me wonderfully! I remember that summer very fondly. I'd arrive at 7am, give them breakfast & take Kate to kindergarten. Then, Ben and I would take a walk and he'd nap. It was lunch time when he'd wake up & we'd go get Kate. We usually spent the afternoons with Kate at swimming or ballet/gymnastics lessons. Unfortunately, it was only a summer job and everyone knew that. Their night babysitter took over days and I would watch them on weekends.
3. RELATIONSHIPS: In '98, I lived with my roomie, Heather. She met someone & wanted to live with him. I missed living with Tom as well. Tom subleased his room but we weren't so lucky with our apt. We all agreed that he would move in with us until we sublet the apartment but she got mad. Tom had to go so we both just moved out and paid double rent. We moved into our first place, a cute little villa! It was our first time living together without roomies.

4 Things I did 5 Years Ago: (2003)- 5 here makes up for the only having 3 above!
1. LOVE: Tom & I were engaged in Sept '02, we decided that we wanted a Sept wedding but couldn't have it planned by 2003 so we opted for Sept '04. We spent sometime in '03 planning our wedding! awwwww...
2. CAREER: I was promoted to Experienced Senior at Ernst & Young. This would be the beginning of the end there, the hours got to be way too much. I left in 2004 shortly before Tom and I got married.
3. FAMILY: My nephew was born! William Luis made his appearance on Halloween! After I missed my niece's birth in October 2000 by 15 minutes, I promised that I would NOT miss his. Of course, my mom called said to get there ASAP. As I walked into the hospital my cell rang & my mom said, congrats auntie! missed it again!!!
4. TRAVEL: Tom and I took what would be the first & last vacation with another couple. We went on a cruise to the Caribbean. She was a coworker & good friend. The cruise was awkward & our friendship ended the day before we got married. A hurricane hit the day of our wedding, we were married that day earlier than planned before the storm hit and the reception was cancelled. My friend & I had a falling out because of the situation, it's a long story but it ended the friendship.
5. FRIENDSHIPS- I was a bridesmaid in my childhood best friend's wedding. She was like a sister to me, she lived across the street & we spent EVERY day together until I moved to Florida in 1989.

4 Things I did yesterday:
1. Had brunch at Cheesecake factory with Tom's family.
2. Had lunch at Panera with my mom!
3. Took a nap
4. Watched Extreme Homemakeover Edition and cried. That show gets me everytime!

4 Shows I love to watch:
1. Little People, Big World, they are an amazing family who have made such a wonderful life for themselves
2. The Hills, yes, I watch the Hills on MTV.
3. George Lopez on Nick at Nite, it's on everyday at 10PM, cracks me up, not sure how I missed it the first time it aired.
4. Jon & Kate Plus 8. Their kids, one word, CUTE! I hate how people judge them, they have 8 kids and are doing the best they can!!

4 Things I love to do:
1. Read. I used to hate reading. I don't get to do it as much as I would like but I love stories of inspiration. My favroite is The last lecture by Randy Pausch, it's a MUST read, IMHO. My 2nd favorite is Miracles Happen by Brooke & Jean Ellison, story of Brooke's amazing life, she was hit by a car is paralyzed from the neck down on a ventilator. I know them from childhood, I was friends with Brooke's older sister, Kysten. Her accident happened shortly after my family moved and I will NEVER forget receiving a letter from Kysten about it.
2. Spending time w my kitties, they are so lovey.
3. Talk to my family and friends. They are the best thing ever.
4. Traveling with my dh, who better to travel with but my best friend??

This was a lot of fun!! I really enjoyed thinking back 10 and 5 years, couldn't you tell by how much I wrote???

I tag (if you see this post and want to play): "I would diet for that" - Kristen, "Trial and Tribulations of a Newborn Baby" - Sam, AND "A Sibling for Jefferson" - Tobi

A little goes a LONG way....

So, as promised... As I said in earlier posts, some people have done somethings that have been so sweet. I really want to blog about it because it was just so nice. Please ignore that the pictures are HUGE, my technical skills are hmmmm, not so good. I'll have to work on that.

So, two people sent me cards after my 2nd fresh IVF cycle failed. The first was from someone I met online (the nest) that I'd been talking to for awhile. To be honest, I'm not sure how we started talking. I think it was a similarity in our diagnosis. Ironically, since then, we've discovered a ton more similarities. The second came from someone I met on a private MSN board but she is also on the nest. She was doing her first IVF cycle when I did my second. So, we were cycle buddies. Being that on my FET, first cycle with a transfer, it seemed like almost every cycle buddy got pregnant, I was VERY hesitant to start chatting with another. But, I did and just figured I wouldn't get buddy buddy with anyone else going forward. By the way, I have become close with one other person since then, it's hard not to!!

The first card on the cover says with sympathy, my good friend. On the inside, it says I wish I had the right words to say that would help you through this sad time. But these are the words in my heart, I'm sorry, I care, I'm here for you. There is also a personal message but I want to keep that private.




The second card on the cover says I wish I could make things happen for you the way you want them to. I know how much a child would mean to you. I'm still hoping and believing for you... and keeping you in my heart. Again, there's a personal message but I want to keep that private as well.


Who knew that they made cards like the second one? It actually says I know how much a child would mean. I don't know if these ladies know how much it meant to receive those cards. And, they definitely don't know that I keep them both on my nightstand tabel (there are two other things I keep on there as well) to remind me daily that not only are there others out there struggling like me but (both these ladies have atleast one failed fresh cycle) that there are good people out there who cared so much about me to make the effor to send me such thoughtful cards!!

WOW! Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog !!!

I have this fear about all that are reading/visiting my blog. I guess because I've seen people get comments left that were, well, not nice. I understand that infertility can be controversial, everyone is different and I understand that everyone makes their own choices. I'm just hoping that I won't get comments that will be frustrating or rude, this journey is frustrating enough as it is.

So, I'm going to take the next few blogs to write about some things that people have done for me that I'm super thankful for, they may or may not realize it but it meant so much. Let's face it, this whole waiting on test results thing is BORING! I can't write much about it, we're waiting, that bout sums it up and it bores me nevermind you. So, that's what is coming next... :) It'll help to kill some time until the consult, that'll be interesting to write/read about!!

Tough Times

Times are tough right now for everyone. Gas is outrageous, food is going up, people are loosing jobs, etc... My husband and I have been fortunate, we still have our jobs. And, I work in the homebuilding industry so I am very lucky!!! But, no bonus for me, no raise either so we've had to make some changes. But, we are not putting off our TTC efforts, that is the decision that we have made. Everyone is different but this is what we want to do.

And, unfortunately, we have hit a bump in the road on the journey, okay, maybe it's a hill, a mountain? We need to take our efforts up a notch. I'm not sure if we will cycle in Denver but it is a possiblity. If T's test results are bad, we will have to do some sort of PGD testing to test the embryo's genetic makeup. This will need to be done in Denver. My RE has already told me that he won't do it and if it needs to be done, I want to go to Denver. They do a kind of testing called CGH testing which tests all of the chromosomes while PGD tests 9 of the 23. Some people would not go this far and just move to adoption but again, this is the decision that we have made. Please respect that...

But, seriously, I do greatly appreciate it. I have gotten the best support from some amazing people! I say it all the time, I can't believe the amazing support I've received! I may start having to blog on that....

What a week!

I really don't have much to say infertility/IVF wise but I just feel the need to blog. This has been a horrible week. Work has been crazy and not like busy but annoying. Lately, there have been so many issues thanks to the wonderful housing market. I'm so glad it is Thursday but I feel like it should be Friday.

I'm exhausted and ready for the weekend. I plan to relax and do some stuff around the house. I have felt the need to do some spring cleaning for weeks now but I haven't had the time. I hope that my dh is in the mood to do some spring cleaning because I could certainly use some help. I'd just like to get rid of stuff that is going unused. I've listed a few things on craiglist and if that doesn't work, I guess we'll try Ebay! Otherwise, off to goodwill it goes!!!

Alright, well, like I said, there really isn't much to say. My consult isn't for two weeks and we still haven't gotten the results of the testing back yet. It'll be 3 weeks next week so maybe we'll give them a call or live in denial a little bit longer...

ok, five things I'm thankful for...
1-It's Thursday and the day is almost over!
2-My niece and nephew, they spent the weekend with us last weekend and we had tons of fun!
3-the gorgeous weather we're having right now in Florida, although, we could use some rain!
4-having a job - while it's driving me crazy, I still have one and it's a regular paycheck
5-one of my coworkers, she is great to get advice from, she's very wise!