Tired.

so tired. that's how I feel. I have not slept well in a week. I'm exhausted. I started taking benadryl the night of the miscarriage to help me sleep. The first few nights after, I had horrible nightmares. Now, they aren't necessarily nightmares but very vivid dreams that have me wake up. I'm usually up around 4am everyday. I do go back to sleep but it's broken sleep and not the same. I drag myself out of bed everyday to get to work. I'm dragging my 11 or 12pm everyday. I wish caffeine would help wake me up but I just feel like I'm going to fall asleep at my desk!!

I'm hoping for some sleep this weekend. Luckily, my husband is off so I can sleep in and get in some naps. I wish it were the weekend already!!

D&C today.

I went into the doctor again this morning to follow up on what they saw yesterday on U/S. As I expected, there was still some tissue there. I didn't have much bleeding or clotting since 4am the day before so I figured it was still there. They offered me two options. I could take some medication, pills, to help the uterus contract and release what's left. I started to get upset and was like yeah, what's option two?!?! She said I could have a D&C and since I had nothing to eat or drink yet today, I could do it today!! I didn't eat or drink on purpose in hopes. She offered to do it at lunch time or the doctor who was already at the surgery center could do it. Fortunately, it was my primary ob-gyn!! She was who I really wanted to do it. She's so compassionate and I knew I'd be in good hands.

So, we rushed right over there and they got me back really quickly. It was quick and done with. She told my husband that it went well and there wasn't much left. They are going to send it off but it's likely that we won't get answers. In recovery, I felt like something huge had been lifted from my back. I was so anxious the prior day waiting for the bleeding to start again, for the clotting to start again.

It was absolutely one of the most horrible experiences. At 4am on Thursday, I knew I had miscarried. I felt empty. I knew it couldn't be ok anymore. There was too much blood and way too many clots that were too big.

It was scary and I wasn't worried anymore about whether I had miscarried. I knew I had but now I was worried for myself. I've never seen so much blood, so many clots. I felt so weak in bed. I considered going to the ER but I knew my doctor was opening in a few hours and the thought of waiting in an ER with the possibilty of more gushing and clotting was terrifying.

I miscarried.

This isn't good...

I'm bleeding very heavy now, soaking pads, etc. I'll spare details. I just want it to end.

Spotting

Well, I noticed some blood on my suppository stick last Wednesday. On Thursday, we had the Ultrasound and saw the hb so I was reassured. It continued into Sunday and I spent the entire day resting. By the end of the day, it was better. It started again on Monday. I spoke to my nurse and she said it was likely cervix irritation and that my bloodwork looked good and not to worry. Today, after lunch, I went to the bathroom and the spotting was noticeably on my pad and as I saw on the toilet, it dripped. That's never happened before. So, I talked to my nurse and she told me to go home and get off my feet. Since I've been off my feet, it seems to be a tad better. However, I made an appt with my obgyn tomorrow at 1145am to get some more information to find out what's going on. I'm absolutely terrified

ONE BEAUTIFUL HEARTBEAT

that's what we saw! the baby measured to the day, 6w4d! the doctor said everything looked great and we should be very optimistic !

yay!!!

Wow! TWO YEARS!

I just happened to notice my ticker at the bottom today. It's at the bottom because it's really no use for anyone but me. I like to know how long it's been since the embryos were frozen. And, today marks two years!!! I can't believe it!

So, two years ago, cells were taken from these embryos and sent to New Jersey for testing. Two of those were transferred back into me on October 31, 2008! And, look at that result! Caitlin is a thriving wonderful 13 month old! And, now, another one of those embryos were transferred back into me on July 16, 2010 and growing as well!!

It absolutely amazes me when I think about all of it!