Some sort of good news...

I keep thinking that we are just going through a bad patch. Things are good for awhile and things are bad for awhile. This just happens to be are time where things are bad. I keep thinking that something good has to happen. And, once it does, things will change. Honestly, I want to move. I feel like if we left here and moved, things couldn't happen to be better. We both don't like our jobs here so why not?! But, I know the answer is not to run. My family is here and I'd be miserable without my mother. But, the good news is that T's pharmacy inventory yesterday was much better than last year. The former manager didn't have things organized and it appeared that $200k of inventory was gone. This inventory showed it up over $100k. So, while it's still down, it's not as bad so that should help with the annual bonus which will in turn go to IVF cycles. Last year's bonus along with a loan is how we paid for the shared risk program. This bonus won't be enough for all that but it's more than expected...

I'm really not feeling good today, my neck and arms are hurting. My hormones and progesterone must have returned to normal cause I'm feeling those aches and pains again. It's frustrating.

I'm Frustrated!!!

In the past week, I got two emails about babies being born. A former co worker had his second and I was on his mass email. Then, my second cousin had their second as well. Today, I found out one my first cousins had ANOTHER baby, didn't even know she was pregnant, her first was an oops and she got married and well, that wasn't too long ago so I'm guessing another ooops! And, her brother, my other cousin had a boy as well a few days ago. So, in the past week, I know FOUR people who had kids. Yet, still trying here. What in the World!! I just want out of this nightmare seriously.... I must be getting used to it cause not one tear shed. A year ago, I would have spent hours crying. Honestly, I just don't have it in me to cry about it, I'm tired.

On a positive note, one of my fellow IVFers is testing positive but she hasn't come out about it yet soooo I can't say who. I pray for her, her dh and their miracle. I hope it's the miracle she's prayed for in 9 months!!

Also, I started seeing a therapist, a new one. She was suggested by my friend's therapist and she does have experience infertility. I do really like her so hopefully, she will help. And, I got the nicest card from my friend on Monday. So, between liking the therapist and the card, it made for a great Monday, that's the happiest I've been in weeks.

Faceless Friends

just an update, IVF #3 is delayed if coming at all, we are having additional testing done. We won't proceed until we get the results. Depending on the outcome, we may be done with it completely and looking into other options. Please pray that our testing comes back normal.

There's not many positive things to say about inferitlity or IVF especially when it fails. But, the one good thing about it is the absolutely AMAZING women that I've met while I've been on this journey. They have been there for me through ups and downs. They want to help anyway that they can. They pray for you, think of you and are even there for you when you are crying, mad, angry, whatever.

It's funny, each time you cycle, you have woman cycling with you, some succeed, some don't. On my second cycle, I was VERY hesitant to get close with anyone cycling because you are afraid that they'll succeed and you won't. Of course, you are happy for them but it's hard for you to watch them progress and you know exactly where you'd be. But, I did and I'm glad that I did because I met a few more great ladies that have been an awesome support. And, damn it, their cycles failed too!!!!!!! Today, one of them found out that their cycle didn't work and it broke my heart cause I knew exactly how it feels and there's nothing you can say or do to make it better.



Well, there's a MSN private group that I belong to. Each time that you log in, there's a poem called faceless friends. It's written by one of the girls NOT ME so I can't take credit for it. But, it's awesome so I want to share it. It sums it all up perfectly! I read it all the time, the girl is quite talented!

Faceless Friends

I’ve never even met you though I know your life by heart
You’re a friend who I may never meet but we’re friends, although apart.
Your stories, strength and power to keep pushing every day
Fill me with hope, love and courage, you inspire in every way.
Sometimes I even see you, in my dreams at night while I sleep
We’re sitting having coffee discussing emotions that run so deep.
We have something in common which brought us to this place
We suffer with infertility, but the dream we all still chase.
A dream that is a child, to have, to love, to hold
Is our binding factor but our friendship will uphold
I think of you on days when I know you’re feeling low
I pray for you on those same nights, more than you’ll ever know.
When I get some news, be it bad or be it good
I know you’re there to listen, with you I’m never misunderstood.
You understand my suffering although our stories are not the same
It’s a sisterhood, infertility, we will not be ashamed.
This nightmare that is infertility, I wouldn’t wish on my foe
But it’s the foundation of our friendship, I am so blessed that you, I know.
You are now a part of my life, someone I can’t forget
For your kind words and understanding, I’m forever in your debt.
You’ll be forever in my life, although your face I may never see
I wish for you all the kindness that you’ve bestowed on me.

Coming Soon....

hopefully, IVF #3, that's right, #2 is a bust. There's a shock. Hopefully, shared risk won't kick us out of the program and we'll actually get another shot. wonderful, again, I'm that percent of people who are lucky enough to do several IVFs.

HPT is negative and AF is arriving, so much for the luck of the irish. I may not be blogging for awhile. I'm pretty sure, sobbing, crying, etc, is not really interesting to read about nor write about.

Of course, I can be reached via email, thanks to all of you for your support.

OMG, We did IVF!

Yes, I just had one of those moments. Even after a cancelled fresh after ER, a FET and another fresh, I still think, holy crap, we're doing IVF. I really can't believe that I did it. I hate needles, doctors, all that. I remember before we moved to Florida, a doctor had to chase me around her office to give me a shot. Now, I'm being hit with 22 gauge needles. These are long, big and thick! It's used for the progesterone in oil which well, is thick and HURTS !


I'm really trying here, really hard to focus at work. But, let's face it! It's nearly impossible. All I can think about it whether or not, this IVF worked. One minute, I'm like, we had two 8 cell embies, grade 2, why wouldn't it? Then, I'm like, well, sometimes, it just doesn't for NO reason! But, for now, I'm handling the wait well, I have had two meltdowns this week but I'm done until Monday. Unless, of course, I bleed, that will end me over the edge. NO BLEEDING! Please! none!!!

Transfer Complete!

This morning, we transferred two 8 cell grade 2 embryos. The nurse told us that they like them to be at 6 or 8 cells on day 3, so 8 cells is great! As for the grade, most embyros are normally grade 3 so grade 2 is above average! So, the embryos are awesome! They gave us pictures and I'm trying to put them in this entry. Hopefully, I got it right! You will see two photos, the one on the right is of both embryos. The picture on the left is a closer look at one of them.




I'll be honest, she brought us the photos and I saw all three. The first thought was, UM, you want us to transfer 3? that ain't gonna happen, not this time anyways! She just explained it was just a close up, thank god for that.

The transfer went fine. Dr. H said the embryos were great and transfer went fine. He said to the embryologist, Christi would like to get pregnant! She doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl and I said, nope, don't care if it's one or two either!!! But, we would like a Gator. So, here is the photo of the embryos in my uterus. You can see a white dot near the arrow and that's the air from the tube and the embryos are right behind it. The arrow is pointing to the embryos.



After transfer, the dreaded 30 minute wait! Of course, you fill your bladder before transfer. Going in, I thought perfect! I don't have to go, I can do this. Last time, it was awful. But, boom, they stick the US wand on the uterus, OKAY, I have to pee now! Transfer took 5 minutes and off I went to wait the 30 minutes. I have to say, it went quite quickly. But, I was drifting off thanks to the valium. It worked much better this time.

I think that's it! We wait now.... I go in on Monday to have my progesterone tested and the following Monday to see if I'm pregnant. It's also St. Patty's Day! Let's hope the luck of the irish works for us!!!

I'm Addicted to Boost!

you know, the drink! My cycle buddy, Em, suggested them since they are high in protein. And, I need the extra protein to prevent or reduce ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I think it's helped and now I'm addicted. I was really expecting them to be nasty and chalky tasting but they ROCK! I am seriously addicted, who knew?!?