Dreams...

I had the most wonderful dream last night. It seemed so real. I was sitting on the floor, oddly enough, in my childhood bedroom. But, I was an adult and even more importantly, a mother. I was holding this little girl, trying to change her clothes and diaper. There were all these clothes on the floor as if I had been folding and sorting laundry. The baby girl was saying yucky yucky because her diaper was so dirty. While all this was going on, there was a baby boy in the background. It was a twin brother. He was sitting in something while I was taking care of the baby girl. I remember how much fun we were having and how enjoyable it was. While all this was going on, the little boy got out of what he was sitting in and started walking. I remember being excited and that's when I woke back up.

Warning, bitter infertile talk coming...

I've been doing so well the past few weeks. But, I must admit, the past few days have been a bit harder. I'm not quite sure what has triggered it. It could be so many things and maybe it's the impending trip to Denver weighing on my mind. I've been feeling bitter and frustrated. I really just don't understand it all, why it's taking so long to figure all this out, why two IVFs have failed, why this is costing so much, etc... I'm really sick of telling myself, I'll appreciate it that much more when it happens, everything happens for a reason, God had his plan, all those things I use to rationalize the situation. All in all, I'm just plain sick of it all. Please don't reply with why don't you adopt? have you considered not having kids? and especially, do NOT reply with it will happen!! I really hate that because you know what, it might NOT happen, some people can't have children ever.

Tomorrow, I am meeting with a few girls in my area who are also heading to CCRM in Denver. I hope that will help to talk to others dealing with my same situation...

Is it June 9th yet?!?!??

Seriously, has time stopped or something?? Whenever you are waiting for something, time slows, I am positive! June 9th seems like an eternity away. I know it's really not that long from now but I've been waiting enough already! It just seems like it's taking FOREVER to get here. And, all this waiting makes for VERY BORING blogging. Our plans are all set for Denver, flights, hotel, car, etc... And, we have plans to meet up with one of the nesties that I've been talking to for a long time. Atleast a year, I guess!

In other events, NaComLeavMo is much harder than I expected. Although, I am very excited that I'm getting more comments. I thought I would just go to the list, pick 5 and comment. It's soooo much easier said than done. There are some blogs that I don't know what to say or feel comfortable. On a positive note, I have come across some really helpful blogs. I found one girl who is having twins from CCRM! HOORAY! She knows a ton of other girls going to CCRM if I need to talk to more. I also met a girl who had 100% abnormal sperm and yes, she's pregnant!!

oh, and speaking of 100% abnormal sperm, we still have NO results from the test we were having done. For those just tuning in, my RE thinks that dh's sperm are lacking the appropriate chromosomes. So, he sent samples for some testing at a clinic in DC. Several weeks is what we were told, honestly, I lost track, it's been 6-7 weeks now.

Anyone wanna place bets when I'll hear from him???


Mamasoon - thank you for commeting on my blog! I have no way to link back to you, do you have a blog or email? would be nice to have someone who is also goign to CCRM to chat with...

There's NO turning back now...

Well, I guess I could but I'd lose my money! :P I just booked a flight to Denver for our one day work-up. We booked the hotel last night and we will do the car tonight since we have flight information. I'm wondering when this is all going to sink in. Really? I'm going to Denver to possibly do IVF? As if cycling locally wasn't stressful enough... But, we want and need answers that we aren't getting from the local doctor. So, we're off in a few weeks!

In a way, I'm actually quite excited as well! We've NEVER been to Denver and we probably never would have gone there. And, it really does sound beautiful. We'll arrive mid-day two days before so we'll have a day to really check the city out. I'm looking forward to that part.

If we are fortunate to conceive a child cycling in Denver, boy oh boy, we will have the most interesting story for our child(ren)! IVF is interesting enough, right? Well, we went to Denver to do it!

Also, BP3, thanks for your comment! I would love to hear more about CCRM if you don't mind sharing....

CCRM Consult Update

So, on Thursday night, we had our consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM in Denver. He's my new best friend! :)

He called and asked about where we live, he had never heard of the city we live in, it is kinda small. Anyways, he asked for the short version of the soap opera. I told him the basic story, polyps, lap, cancelled IVF, failed FET with what was too thick of a lining in my opinion (17.7mm 5 days before transfer), bad sperm samples, another lap, another failed IVF, and here we are waiting on test results that my Re requested to Dr. Kearns in Washington DC. Of course, Dr. S knew of the test explained it further. That test is over my head. But, he did tell me that the test means nothing!! hmmm, thanks! glad we didn't pay for it! He said as much as we would like definitive answers, you won't get one with that one. He said he would be SHOCKED if all of dh's sperm was abnormal being he produces as much sperm as he does and due to the fact that he had bloodwork done for chromosome issues and they all came back NEGATIVE!!! At this point, I love the man already. He said, even if some of the sperm came back abnormal, we could still have a biological child. My local RE told me if that happened we were done. YES, DONE! I even asked my RE if we could do PGD, NO was his response. At this point, I'm on the verge of happy tears.

Next, he said, well, I will tell you that, with these consults, I usually can tell people donor egg, donor sperm, BUT, I can't tell you that. It might be one or the other but I don't see it. I told him, yeah, well, my local guy is telling me DONOR SPERM. He said that he didn't feel that way. I told him if that's the case, ok, we'll cross that bridge. His response was, you are not there and I know it is an emotionally charged decision. OMG! A doctor that knows infertility is emotional? where has this man been for the past year of my life? When my local guy said donor sperm and I cried, his response was, this is why we don't like you in here days after a failed cycle, um, really? cause I didn't INSIST on this appt, it's what was given and the more we put this off, the more I get upset so let's figure this out.

He went on to further ask where we were with all of this. We told him things need to change, that's why we're talking. He felt that we could do a 3rd cycle and he would do one BUT he felt we'd fail again. He explained what he would like to do which might I say is what I thought would be the best option after my research. So, he said, we should cycle, take the embryos to day 5 in the lab and send them for CGH testing. Basically, very similar to PGD, but done on day 5 so the cells are taken from what would be the placenta, NOT the fetus. Cool, right? They would test ALL the chromosomes where PGD only tests 9 of them I think. He said it takes 4-6 weeks (although I know girls online that it's taking longer for). He said I was a great candidate for this being I am an egg making machine!!! But, I stopped him there, yes, I make eggs but not many embryos. He quickly discarded that and said, yea, well, let's see what your embabies do in my lab. If they don't make it there, then we know. So, he felt it could be lab conditions, etc... He said he bets we make atleast one or two normal embabies.

He also felt that we have implantation issues due to my endometriosis (stage 3). He said while we wait on CGH results, he will give me two months of lupron. He also asked about the thick lining I had on the FET, if this was normal. I told him, I'm not sure. He said, well, I have to tell you that I agree with you, 17.7mm is too thick, it decreased your likelihood of success. Can you see why he's my new best friend? I was right!!!!!!! I knew it, it has bothered me ever since. I asked my local guy about it on my WTF appt, his response, yeah, maybe. MAYBE is how he answers ALL questions. So , back to lupron, yeah, this is NOT thrilling, lupron has caused muscle and joint pain for me. When I explained, he understood and said yes, I know, I've heard about that. Let's see if you even need it after a biopsy. I told him NO NO NO, I will do the lupron but know what it does to me so you can help make it better. Of course, he listened, told me he could give me progesterone. FINALLY! a doctor who listens and helps me with what is going on... might he, um, care? doctors do care, right?

Basically, he asked if I had any questions, of which I didn't, he answered most of them and I knew about CGH testing and the two month lupron from my research. He said, I look forward to meeting you and your husband! yeah!!! He said, please tell your husband I said hello and that I have more hope for his sperm than your local guy does...

all good, right??? finally, HELP! I've spent many a nights, crying in our family room, asking God to help me, I'm not a doctor, aren't doctors suppose to ATLEAST try to make things better??? Well, the big day was May 15th! Now, the big day is June 9th, assuming my period cooperates. I will go to Denver or as I have heard others say, I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard...

DENVER, Here I come!!

I had my consult with Dr. S a few hours ago, I'm so excited and exhausted!!! I promise to have a written update soon but I have to go to bed now. But, long story short, he said he was really hopeful, he did think we have a great chance to have a biological baby at this point. We will head to Denver for his one day work up as soon as my next period leaves!!!

thank you!!

ANXIETY

That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm very anxious for my consult tomorrow and not sure why but afraid. Plus, I have a overdue dental appt this afternoon which I am absolutely dreading!!! I hate the dentist. Also, I never get good news from REs, NEVER. Each visit brings a little more bad news. Honestly, just give it to me ALL now! So, we can deal and move on. It's like continuing to beat a dead horse.

So, tomorrow night at 7:30PM, my DH and I will speak with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM! Hopefully, he will have something nice/positive to say. I have a feeling that he'll just say come on over and let's see what we have going on. I don't anticipate that he'll give me any insight but that it'll be a step in the direction of figuring out once and for all what is going on.

I feel EXTREMELY unprepared for this consult. The one question that I have which isn't even my idea is could the lab be the reason why all my embryos are not making it to freeze? or maybe my protocol? In addition, how could I freeze 4 perfect blasts and then have only 1 perfect after the thaw. If anyone has any other ideas for questions, I would really appreciate it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's making me brain dead. Thanks!!

Locking it up!

I am going to be temporarily locking my blog (personal reasons) to allow for only specific users. If you are a reader and want to continue reading, please leave me a comment with your email address and nestie name if you are a nestie! Or, you can page me on the nest!

Thank you for reading!!